Vampire Snippet, by Predatrix

[Scene: The corridor outside AVON’s room. BLAKE passes by, full speed, stark naked and spattered with blood. He does not notice VILA, who is fascinated. AVON appears a moment later, also naked. He has one hand over his mouth, and is speaking indistinctly. He notices VILA.]

“D’n’t t’ll anyone ’bout this or…”

“Or what, Avon?”

[AVON spits something out into his hand.]

“Vila, this is our own private business.”

“Let me guess, you made a pass at him and he broke your teeth for it?”


“He made a pass at you, and didn’t take kindly to being rejected?”


“He had a nosebleed, and you just happened to have a toothache at the same moment?”

“No… You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?”

“‘Course I am. Who wouldn’t? Nice to see our Blake’s found something more entertaining to do with his nights than rehearsing speeches, and I always wondered what you’d look like embarrassed rather than buttoned-up- to-the-eyebrows…” [Trails off as AVON directs a killing glare in his direction. AVON is distracted from his anger by shivering. We always knew he was sensitive to cold.]

[VILA efficiently wraps one arm round AVON and leads him back into his room.] “Nice in here, innit? Can’t imagine why I’ve never nicked any of your stuff, would have been well worth it…” [Picks up a large black dressing-gown from the bed, sniffs at the stains but is too astute to mention them.] “Just sit down a minute, get your breath back, no wonder you’re cold, standing there freezing your balls off stark naked, here, get this round you.”

[VILA thumps about in some of the cupboards, and comes up with two large glasses of whisky, one of which he hands to AVON.] “And get this down you, you’ll soon feel better.” [AVON gulps, as if automatically. After a while, colour returns to his face, and he stops shivering.]

“Go on, tell old Vila all about it, you know you want to.”

[After drinking quite a bit, AVON seems to relax.]

“You promise you won’t tell anyone?”

“Won’t tell a soul, would I do a thing like…” [VILA trails off.] “Er, er, well, drink up, you’ll soon feel a lot better.”

[AVON drinks.] “It all started when I had an idea about how to stop Blake getting so pompous. A ludicrous idea, worthy of you. You know when we visited that planet, a few weeks back, with all those ridiculous and totally irrational legends about vampires…”

“Wait, I’m ahead of you. You convinced him you were a vampire, and he’s run screaming…”

“Not exactly, Vila. I dropped a few interesting hints. Invited him to my room and kept the lights low, started dropping veiled clues about my background… You know he finds his social class embarrassing, he’d much rather be a Man of the People…”

“Like me,” [VILA wipes his nose on his shirt sleeve.]

“All right, you don’t have to overdo it… Well, I didn’t say I was a vampire, of course. I didn’t have to. I waited for him to suggest the idea. It was quite easy to suggest that the old families had made a few interesting genetic modifications. Then I let him catch a glimpse of me in these…” [Shamefacedly, he unclenches his hand, revealing a pathetically unconvincing set of fangs. VILA is hysterical.] “Look, it was in a bad light! Anyway, he didn’t run screaming.” [VILA looks blank.] “He seemed to find the idea… exciting.” [If VILA laughs any harder he will do himself an injury.]

“Suffice it to say…” [AVON looks at VILA wearily] “…it was a thoroughly entertaining evening.”

“What went wrong?”

“I smiled at him afterwards… I’d completely forgotten I was still wearing them! I was going to explain it was all a stupid joke, but…” [AVON shrugs.] “You see, when he wasn’t…”


“When he was sentimental rather than sexually aroused…”

“He couldn’t handle the soppy smile with a few more teeth than usual.” [VILA pauses.] “Don’t worry, Avon. I’ve thought of a way round this.”


“Well, it’ll involve getting someone else in on this…” [AVON looks at the com.] “No. Don’t need that. There are some advantages to having a telepathic girlfriend.” [They wait.]

[There is a knock on the door. CALLY enters, trying to keep a straight face. The door closes. She looks at VILA, and AVON, and is soon hysterical with laughter. AVON is beginning to look murderous.]

“Avon, I think I have the answer to your problem. I’m well aware of Blake’s credulity. All I have to do is put on this face…” [assumes dying-duck-in-a-thunderstorm expression] “…and he thinks I’ve been taken over by aliens. And that’s aside from all of the Auron sayings I can make up. Blake already has the impression I’m mystical, alien, and have no sense of humour. He’ll believe anything!”

[VILA and AVON look bewildered.]

“Come on, you two… I’ll tell him I’ve got a special alien cure for vampirism, with the help of the Liberator medical centre, and then Blake can watch him drink it. I’ll go down there and mix up an ‘Auron Placebo Special’ right now, and get Blake on the com. Vila, do you think you can get Avon to palm those fangs convincingly?”

“C’mon, you know Alphas are hopeless… All right, all right, I’ll try.”

[CALLY leaves. AVON dresses. After about twenty minutes, AVON can make a reasonable shot at defanging himself by passing a hand over his face then down to his pocket.]

“All right, you’ll pass…” [VILA takes on listening expression.] “OK, that’s her now. Let’s go!” [They walk towards the door.]


[AVON looks at VILA]

“Avon, for god’s sake put your teeth in before you meet Blake!”

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